Me: How can I help you?
Caller: I need you to update our site. We only accept American Express.
Me: Only American Express?
Caller: *sighs* Fine, we'll take cash too. Wait... do we want cash?
Me: Depends on how long you want your business to stay open.
Caller: This is true. OK. No cash! Wait.. wait... ....Cash.
Me: Good choice.
Lesson 10- Don't be a dumbass.
Caller: Hi my restaurant is offline, and I need you to fix it. I'm losing money.
Me: *sigh* Let me have the name of your restaurant, your name and the phone number of the restaurant.
Caller: Why do I always have to go through this.
Me: Because you called tech support, not the psychic hotline, and contrary to your apparent sense of self importance, I have no idea who you are.
Caller: *verifies info*
Me: Ok, are you in front of your computer right now?
Caller: Look buddy, I'm driving right now, cant you just dial in and fix it?
Me: So... the internet to your computer isnt working.
Caller: That's what I said.
Me: And you want me to connect to it VIA THE INTERNET and fix the INTERNET which is NOT WORKING.
Caller: Yes, my internet is not working on my computer, can you fix it or not.
Me: HOW SWAY? If the internet is not working to the computer, how am i supposed to connect through the internet, to the computer that does not have internet?
Caller: *sigh*I'm on my way there. How long are you open?
Lesson 9 - No matter how important you think you are, there is someone who just doesn't give a shit. We talk to dozens of people a day. The majority of them are business owners and people who consider themselves big time or whatever. Here is the thing, you want to quickly lose the prestige you've worked so hard to get? Show that you're not that smart by trying to be cocky. You no longer seem important, you just seem like a jerk.
Caller: My system is broken, It wont let me change my schedule.
Me: Ok let me see what you're doing. *dials into computer and watches*
Caller: *does it wrong*
Me: Oh, ok sir. This is how you change the scheduling... *changes schedule and explains each step.*
Caller: No that's not right, I think it should be like... *does it wrong again*
Me: That won't work *explains why and tries to show correct way again*
Caller: I did it my way this morning.
Me: Are you doing it the exact same way you did this morning?
Me: But it's not working...
Me: ... Ok, since that's not working, let's try it this way.
Caller: That's not the right way though.
*this cycle repeats 3 more times*
Me: I don't understand sir...
Me: I don't understand why you called if you're doing it right. it should work.
Caller: It's not working, that's why I'm calling.
Me: That's because you're doing it wrong. Now stop talking and lemme show you the right way or would you just rather be wrong and have a broken schedule?
Caller: I need you to help me update my schedules.
Me: No problem! What restaurant are you calling from?
Me: What. Restaurant. Are. You. Calling. From?
Caller: Yes, I am at the restaurant.
Me: That's good but what is the NAME of the restaurant?
Caller: Ohhhhhh? It's _____.
Me: Is this what we on today???
Lesson 7 - LISTEN. Active listening works so much better when both parties do it. Let me hear me, hear you, hear me, hearing you.
Me: I need you to look in the back of the computer marked "Lenovo Thinkcentre" and remove the internet cable. It is a cord that looks like a thick phone cord, it has a tab that you have to push down to pull it out, and it should have an orange flashing light right beside it."
Caller: You mean the box?
Caller: The computer box?
Me: Yes. The small, black, Lenovo computer with ThinkCentre engraved on it in white letters, with the cords from the keyboard, monitor and printer going into it.
Caller: Which one is it?
Lesson 6: Technology can be daunting. Keep a cool head and remember, you made it to however old you are because you have the ability to think. Help us all out and use that power.
Me: Thank you for calling _____, may I begin by having your name please?
Caller: You don't need to know my name.
Me: Did I ask your name?
Caller: Yes, but you don't need to know it. What the **** is your problem.
Me: I'm sorry, but this is _______ Tech Support, not the shadowy drug deal hotline. I need a name.
Caller: Put your supervisor on the line.
Caller: Why can't you?
Me: We only transfer people with names. You sound like a Jack though. Might your name be Jack, mysterious caller?
Caller: *hangs up*
Lesson 5 - Give up the info. Nobody likes dark and mysterious these days. It's rude and just plain creepy. Plus, if you don't let us do our job... we can't do our job.
Caller: I can't get into my account.
Me: Ok Ma'am, may I have the email you use with your _______ Account?
Caller: You guys didn't give me one.
Me: ... Lady what is your email address?
Caller: Well, mine is email@example.com
Me: *hears aol.com and internally screams* Thank you.
*looks at her account and sees that she has not logged in recently*
Me: Ok. Let's try this, I want you to open up an internet browser...
Caller: I don't have the internet here.
Me:...ooook. Are you using an app?
Caller: Oh no. I dont know how to use those things.
Me: How exactly are you trying to access your account?
Caller: I open up Google, and I type it in, but nothing happens.
Me: Well you need the internet...
Caller: You people make this too complicated.
Me: *wonders if I have enough internet cable here to hang myself*
Lesson 4- Have patience with those helping you, like you want those helping you to have patience with you.
Lesson 3 - Many Techs have to work even on holidays. They have loved ones too. If you're calling for tech support on a holiday, you're already kind of a douche. Don't be a mean douche.
Lesson 2 - Get your emotions in formation. Techs are there to help you, not be your punching bags.
Caller: Hi, I need some help setting up our schedules.
Me: No problem, are you at your server right now?
Caller: No I'm at the bar sitting down. Should I be at the computer?
Me: Well, you do want help with your computer...
Caller: Should I go to the computer now then?
Me: ... *dies inside about 78%*